Musings of a Muse

Have you ever had that moment of realisation, a moment so powerful it floored you?  I mean literally floored you?

There you are, standing at a window looking out into the dusk of the darkest day of the Year and something akin to a shimmer disrupts the web of your reality.  Almost indiscernible, perhaps something in your eye, but no, it is the realisation that you are a slave to forces much more brutal than you had at first imagined.

Seconds later, a fraction of a second perhaps, and you experience the knowledge of tearing through a veil of Truth.  Your entire life has led you to believe that the ‘Truth’ you have been seeking, the coveted ‘Grail’ you longed for was something that was due to you, something owed you.  Well permit me to let you in on a little secret: If you had any idea what the ‘Truth’ consisted it would lead to insanity.  I liken it to the feeling a moth must get when the occupant of the web she has been ensnared in makes an appearance.

Still there seems to be a degree of strength and some semblance  of intelligence that retains, a little piece of you hidden behind the atrocities of your thoughts.  Everything around you seems alien, IS alien, and you also become alien.

A few years ago I tried ayahuasca.  Fuck that, a few years ago I took a sabbatical and went exploring the world of psychedelic entheogens. I must have taken ayahuasca at least 50-60 times.  Somewhere in my bookshelf are perhaps 23 entry dockets from the condor eagle festival in 2012. Then I stayed in Padre Coche in Peru for over 12 days. And then there was Norwich, which I mention in a few of my blogs. Yeah, so, over 60.

Over 60 nights spent reliving horror stories and processing traumas to the point that healing becomes the only option.  Over 60 nights of Ego Death, then re-birth in the arms of Dawn.  Then you go and do it all over again until you never need to die that death again, or so the story goes.

Life goes on.  You go back to work, you manage a shop, you have kids, heck you get married to someone who has cancer, life stuff goes on and re-reborn you carries the spark of understanding through the tutorage of the Teacher Plant.

But for some of us, people like me who are not convinced that our journey is in fact ‘over’, that somehow we have reached that mythical Kansas, or that promised Ithaca, that somehow after all our quandaries all our turmoil and troubles we are now in Nirvana enjoying the fruits of our sacrifices and tears.  Some people like me press on to deeper waters in order to catch the big fish.

The years go on, one profound revelation tides into the other, all pool into a rushing torrent that can only be labelled as  Life.  And then its over.  What was it all about?

No literally I am asking.  ‘What was it all about?’.

Existentialists will argue that life is for life sake, that it is a result of a long line of reactions, chemical and otherwise, all in synchrony vibrating creating reality around you.  

Within these energy frequencies there is Us, you and me and all the human beings that make up humanity, all vibrating and experiencing Life differently.  And then, before you know it, the Apocalypse is actually upon you.  The actual feckin Apocalypse complete with people you know, and possibly even you, dying.

Just the other day, for the first time in what seems like a lifetime I felt fear.  A deep and resonating feeling, nebulous and pervasive, almost thick with anxiety and dread.  A feeling so familiar it speaks to your primal self, so personal it is embedded in your DNA since the dawn of our species. 

The Reaper walks among us and our leaders opened the door proving that we are nothing but chattel,  fodder, expendable slaves who could do with a good culling. No matter the reason though, Thanatos stalks our streets and I tremble, not because Death claims, but because we let it happen.

“some of us will lose Loved Ones” Johnson said.  Is this how dismissively he thinks of those he loves? So little that he willingly throws them in the path of grief, suffering and for some anguish and endless pain? 

I want my life to have meant something, I have a deep desire to be acknowledged and appreciated.  I believe every person on this planet has this right, so why is it denied us on the most fundamental point?  Why are so many peoples dreams and hopes being incinerated for the few to prevent the even fewer from losing their wealth?

This moment of realisation that everything is not what you think it is meant to liberate you, but how can you become free when all there is to escape to is an all pervasive cage?